Now Playing: KayCee Stuck Onna Screen!
This morning, a birdie landed onna sill, just outside the window of Dadda's Office.
So, of course, Beep-da-Udder-Cat, who was lying along the back obba Foo-Ton, saw it and sumfing inside of her kitty-head *clicked* and set her to finking that instead of being a fat, fuzzy, smiling, furry-purry, she was a lean, mean, stalking, wild-fing kitty-machine.
And Dadda called out to Maman, "Hey, come lookit my birdie."
So Maman left me sitting onna Foo-ton in her Study and Missy serriously checking the edges obba Study floor for vines and rocks, and went to see Whut Dadda Wanted.
And, sure enough, there wassa birdie sitting onna window sill, cheeping away, and there was Beep, balanced onna top obba Foo-ton, with her ears pricked forwards like tiny radars and her tail trembling back-and-forth, trying to keep her bowling-ball-sized rear-end frum rolling Wun Way-Or-da-Udder.
And Maman was like, "Whut does Beep think she's doing?"
And Dadda was like, "She thinks she's hunting. Like KayCee."
And they both started laughing, and Maman came back innu her Study and sat down at her desk.
Now I know that NoBunny laughs at Empress KayCee Kitty. She issa Queen Cat who lives with Phil. He rescued her when he was twelve years old, and she was the Furst Cat to ever live in Our Warren - bifore Cokie-da-Fat-Cat, and bifore Beep-da-Udder-Cat. She is *So Impawtant*, in fact, that when Phil went innu The Navy, they axted him "Who is your Next Ob Kin?" and he replied, "KayCee." and that's Whut They Wrote on the 'Fishul Navy Documents. Cokie-da-Fat-Cat admits that KayCee taught him everyfing he knows, and he admits that she wassa Queen Cat in his Chowder, and everybunny knows that in Cat Culture, Queen Cats come Furst (even if *rilly* big Maine Coon Cats, like Our Cokie hate to admit it!).
So ennyways, KayCee lives over at Phil's 'Partmint and rules over his Chowder ob Five Cats: Tobi (The Polite Cat), Munchkin (Maman calls her "Miscreant" - and she answers to it!), Lilly (Baby-cat) and Oscar (who was found inna trash can). And only Maman can get away with calling KayCee names, like "Princess Priss" and "Empress Evil" and KayCee rides around the 'Partmint on top of Phil's head and sleeps atta top of Phil's bed, because Everyfing She Sees Belongs To Her.
And Queen Cats, like KayCee, have Huge Diggity, and you are NEVER, EVER sus'posed to laugh at them!
So Cokie was lounging onna Foo-ton over frum me and he stretched out on his back, showing his ample tummy and said, "*I* bemember KayCee Lookin' Stoopit."
And I was like, "Rilly?"
And Cokie was like, "Yup." and he paddle-pawed atta air, and then looked at me. "You know the ScreenPorch?"
And I was like, "Of course I know the ScreenPorch. Phil said yestidday that he's gonna help Maman and Dadda get it ready to Go Out On nextest week as soon assa wedder clears up a little and gets Warm."
And Cokie was like, "That'll be cool. Habbin'a 'Partmint is all right, but it will be nice to switch venues. I could use a change of scenery, even if I do have to Go Downnastairs to Get There. I bemember Wun Summer Morning, when Maman had opined the ScreenPorch Door Furst Thing bifore she had even gotten her coffee, or gotten her Buk to read the Daily Office with Dadda. It was so early that alla Bunnies were still in their habbytats."
And I said, "I don't bemember this."
And Cokie said, "That's because it's 'BeeGee', as in 'Before George' as in you hadn't been adopted yet."
And I said, "That must have been early inna morning if there were no bunnies out onna ScreenPorch yet onna'count obba Fakt Maman allus lets us be out there for The Daily Office."
And Cokie was like, "Nope, there was just KayCee and me. And KayCee jumped up onna Picnic Table where we are Never Allowed, because KayCee had no faith in Maman's yelling."
And frumma corner obba room, Missy poked her head up and snorted, "Who does?"
And Missy was right, onna'count obba Fakt that Maman yells and we only sorta per-If-*rilly* pay enny 'Tension to her. Maybe at the momint she yells, but that's about it. Otherwise, we just pretty much just go about Whutever we're doing and Maman goes on, yelling about it.
"So," Cokie continued. "KayCee jumped up onna Picnic Table and there were some birdies flitting from branch-to-branch-to-branch through the small trees and bushes that were just outside of the porch. And the birdies saw KayCee and they knew that she was inside the ScreenPorch and not a threat to them, so they were singing and cheeping and not paying the Least Bit of 'Tension to her.
"And of course, that 'Nnoyed her - because KayCee is a Very Serrious Cat, Queen Obba Chowder, Phil's Princess Priss and Empress Ob Everyfing. Nobun, partic'lary birdies, are sus'posed to just go around ignoring her. So she made her 'Hunting Call' to me."
Cokie stopped to industriously lick his frunt paws. He can't reach any of his other paws onna'count obba Fakt he's so fat, but he has the cleanest, shiniest Funt Paws of enny cat I've ever met. Of course, they require a lotta up-keep and grooming, and Cokie is pretty attentive to keeping them nice - but as it turns out, his paws are the only well-groomed part of him. The Rest Of Him is a mess only a Professional Spa Groomer, or Dadda-Wiffa-Brush, can sort out.
"And because I was a lot more 'Gressive in those days, I bounced up onna Picnic Table beside her."
By this time, Missy had gotten to the nextest corner obba room on her daily quest to clear rocks and vines frumma Hextscape Routes, and she popped her head up and said to Cokie, "'Thunked' is prob'ly more like it."
And Cokie was, like, "Huh?"
And Missy said, "You nebber 'bounced' a day in your life, Cat. When you got up there on dat table, you prob'ly 'thunked' down like a piece of space debris fallin' outta the sky."
And Cokie rolled over onna Foo-ton and looked at Missy. "Are you callin' me 'fat', Bug-a-Lugs?"
And Missy laughed and said, "*I* don't come shamblin' whin Dadda axts, 'Where's Fat Boy?', Chubbo."
So Cokie flopped over on his side and looked at me uppy-side-down and went on, "So I got up onna table nextest to KayCee and she started pacing back-and-forth and doing her butt-wiggle, like she was gonna Do A Pounce on wunna the birdies. And I'm *finking* to myself - 'She can't be planning to Do A Pounce. There's a screen inna'way!' And there's KayCee, doing her Great Hunter Impersonation, tail twitching, nose wiggling, eyes glittering like Maman's jewellery-stuff. And she's doing Hunting Calls to me about 'Swing Left' and 'Go Forward' and 'Keep Down' and alla that stuff like we'd do if we were *Rilly* Wild Cats out Hunting For Prey."
And I was like, "Lookit, Cat, you want to go easy onna 'Prey' stuff? Because I have Anti-Predator Reflexes that are sort of hard-wired into my brain for use Against Cats. And *Most* Cats know better than to trigger those Reflexes in an Adult Rabbit. Because in an Equal Contest, Adult Rabbits trump Cats, almost every time. Didn't Belinda Bunny teach you that?"
And Cokie blinked. "You would never." he said.
And I was, like, "Well, not willingly, but like I said, it's a Reflex."
And Cokie was, like, "A HouseBunny getting a six-foot run-up into a head-butt in the mid-section obba Well-mannered, Visitin' HouseKitty wassa 'Reflex'?"
And I shrugged. "Well, sumBunnies do the head-butt fing and sumBunnies, like me, prefer the kick-inna-toofies method, and Belinda was a little more PawsOn about Top-Bunning than most, but, you know, a Reflex is sumFing over which you don't have much control most obba time. And I would hate for you to trigger a Reflex in me. Onna'count obba Fakt that we are Alla Us Togedder part of Our Warren."
And Cokie said, "Yeah. Well. Okay." and then continued, very carefully, "So, ennyways, KayCee was Pretending to Stalk the birdies that were Outside the ScreenPorch, and the birdies that were Outside the ScreenPorch knew that they were Perfectly Safe Frum Attack on Their Side of the ScreenPorch Screen, and were flitting and chirping and going from branch to branch - and then, just like you-see-on-Tee-Vee - KayCee launched herself like a mini-Bengal Tiger - innu the air, paws hextended, with all claws out - and landed *smack* against the screen.
"And she was stuck - all four paws hextended, flat uppa'gainst the screen, with alla her claws out, gripping through the holes inna screen.
"So I was sitting on the table, and there was KayCee, stuck to the screen, and there was nothing underneath of her but about six-feet of air, and nothing behind her but the Picnic Table about three-feet away."
And Cokie paused to yawn and rub his whiskers on the Foo-ton, spreading his scent around for no good reason.
"So she did whut she allus did when she couldn't think of ennyfing else to do. She started to scream."
By this time, Missy was about through with her Room Inspection and had trundled over to the rug to sit down nextest to where Cokie and I were sitting onna Foo-ton. And she axted Cokie, "So whut did you do that was helpful?"
And Cokie said, "Nuthin'. I sat onna Picnic Table and waited while Maman dashed out, took Wun Look, saw KayCee hanging there onna Screen like sum kinda weird ornament and started whut *she* allus does, which is start yellin' for Dadda. And since Maman has this kinda special 'PanicAlarm' tone of voice that Phil knows *rilly* well, he came pounding Downnastairs right behind Dadda and arrived onna ScreenPorch atta same time."
"And there was KayCee, hanging by all claws about six-feet uppa screen." said Missy.
"And screaming." Added Cokie.
"With no way down." Said Missy.
And Cokie looked at Missy and exted, "How do you know so much?"
And Missy looked at him and said sweetly, "Onna'count obba Fakt I was there, Stoopit. Bemember? I had just arrived from My Fosta Dadda in Noo Yawk, Unkle Michael, and my habbytat was still inna Kitchin while Dadda was building me a Hawthorn's Home of my very own that I mooved innu the very nextest week. So I saw the Whole Fing."
"So you saw KayCee getting Laughed At?" axted Cokie, with his eyes wide like saucers.
And Missy pulled her ears up and away and widened her eyes, too, and said, "I Axtchually Laughed At KayCee!" and she giggled.
"Onna'count obba Fakt I heard Phil axt Dadda if he should hold KayCee up while Dadda disengaged her claws wun-atta-time, and I watched Dadda get wun ob her paws loose, and then saw KayCee start flailing around frantically, and land a paw on Dadda's head, and I heard Phil yell when he got scratched when KayCee started swingin' around loose bifore she re-attached, and then I watched while Dadda-and-Phil retreated to a safe distance to consider Whut To Do Nextest when they couldn't Pry Her Loose. And I bemember that Maman suggested that they get 'tin-snips' and carefully cut the screen around KayCee and lift that section obba screen out and lay it and KayCee onna table so she would feel safe enough to let go on her ownliest. And I bemember when Da Dawg arrived onna ScreenPorch and practic'ly fell over Laughing Atta Cat stuck onna screen and screaming. And I bemember that Maman grabbed him byda collar and shoved him outta Back Door innu the Gardin to eliminate *that* source of Panic. And I bemember," Missy added happily, "that even the birdies outside onna branches were Laffin' Atta Cat Stuck Onna Screen."
"It seems," said Cokie, sourly. "That you haven't forgotten Wun Fing, BunnyRabbit."
"Not when it comes to Humillyatin' A Cat!" Missy hextclaimed. And she flopped out onna floor with her feets kicked out behind her. That's miniLop Lagomorphin for "I'm totally comfortable in this situation, even though you wouldn't think so!" and it's pretty much of an insult when done in front of a large, more or less masculine, cat.
And Cokie stopped and licked his paws some more, which is Feline for "I'm choosing not to notice that a BunnyRabbit is insulting me, but I can change my mind in an instant because I'm still a large, dangerous critter!"
So Missy began grooming her paws, which is Lagomorphin for "I see your 'dangerous critter' and raise it by an 'I ain't buying it'." but they were keeping their eyes on each other, which is a sort of Universal "Go on, make my day." in enny language.
So I hopped offa Foo-ton and went over to snuffle Maman's foot. And she let me get innu her lap. The Occupation Obba Hoomin sorta has more importance than ennyfing else. If you can Occupy The Hoomin, you are TopBunning the room and everyBun in it. It mostly means you can get Maman to yell or whutever because you have her 'Tension, Furst.
And noBunny else does.
And it also means that if I complain to Maman, she will Automatically Enforce the Bunny Bill of Rights, which states "The Bunny Is Allus Right"; which means enny critter that is NOT a bunny is wrong, and will get yelled at by Maman.
So Missy got up offa floor and went back to Hextamining The Room for Rocks and Vines and Cokie just gave up and curled up for a Nap.
And I didn't care, because Maman and I went back to reading the Noos - togedder.
-------------------------------------- By George