Now Playing: Rabbits: We're right anna the Werld isn't
Finally! I am back to the 'puter! I dunno why hoomins can't unner'stand that Bunnies are Creatures Of Habit. We Like Schedules. We Thrive On Reg'lar. And, as everybunny knows, The Bunny Is Allus Right.
You can look it up.
It's inna Bunny Bill of Rights.
You know, I find it distressing when I hear sumbun say, "I dunno why 'dat bunny allus has to go round the edges of a room, snipping wires." or "My HouzBunny has a wire-snipping fetish."
Hokay, Furst Of All, it's not "your" bunny (but this isn't the time to get innu the whole "Companion Animal" debate. Let's just say that frum Where We Sit - occupying the High Ground - hoomins provide the Forever Home and We Furnish it with Love. Hozzat?).
But ennyways, No Bunny has a Fetish. Try to Get Over It. Having a "Fetish" is Trying To Assign Hoomin Values to a HouzRabbit, and That's Not Valid (as Maman Would Say).
HouzRabbits have Schedules or Habits or Species Imperitives, and Wunna Them is going around the edges of rooms, snipping wires and moving Things In Our Way onna Reg'lar Basis.
HouzRabbits go around the edges of a room because we treat the rooms Where We Live like we would enny Territory, like Our Burrows frum a coupla'hunnert years ago when we still lived Inna Wild and Inna Wild, there is One Rool: Stay Safe. That means that All Vines and Rocks gotta be outta the way of Hext'scape Routes. Because if you gotta Make A Run For it, vines and inconvenient rocks can make you trip, and lose time. When you're Running For Your Life, even the loss of a Split Second is Important!
So you gotta Be Prepared.You circle the boundaries of your Warren's Territory BIFORE there are Predators - and there will Allus Be Predators! - and you Move Those Rocks and Snip Those Vines so that there is Nothing In Your Way In Case of Emergency.
Why do you fink I'm so Big Onna Idea of Emergency Preparedness? Onna'count obba Fakt that I amma Rabbit! And Rabbits have survived for thousands of years precisely BECAUSE we are Prey!
We know Whut It Is Like to be hunted! It is in Our Genetic Code - or, rather, as Maman says, we Bunnies have a Species Memory of Outwitting Death.
Being Prey is part of Every-Bunny's Species Unconscious.
Bet you didn't know that.
Hokay, well, It Is Troo. Anna Species Unconscious issa Heritage of Our Terrible Past as Prey.
Fink about it This Way: If you had spent a coupla'hunnert thousand years being chased down to be the main course on sumbunny else's dinner menu, you'd have a preddy Nervous Species Unconscious, too!
And Snipping Vines and Moving Rocks Outta the Way to keep your Hext'scape Routes clear would Unner'standab'ly be High on your Species' List of Priorities!
It would become One Of Those Important Skills you'd learn from your Granny and pass on down to those Younger Than You. It would become Part Of Your Lore. Knowing to always, Furst Fing every day, as Reg'lar assa Moon Rising, go along the edges of Your Territory, clearing the Hext'scape Routes of Vines and Rocks; it would become a Valuable Duty that would be carried out onna Regular Basis by certain bunnies for the Good Of The Warren.
So that even when Bunnies ceased to live inna Wild and took up living in Houzes, they continue to keep Escape Routes Clear and Safe - onna'count obba Fakt that you don't blow off a coupla-thousand years of Successful Evolutionary Hextperience just onna'count obba Fakt there is currently a Roof Ober Your Head.
You never know when you might have to go back to the Burrows and all the Hextperiences that have Werked Out Hokay inna past might come in useful inna Future. You never know, lemme tell you!
Which is WHY bunnies like Missy still come innu a room - ENNY ROOM - and trundle around the perimeter, snipping "vines" and moving "rocks" outta the way. And she does it EVERY DAY just in case the "vines" (wires) she snipped The Day Bifore has been replaced (as is so often the case when you're Living Assa Urban Rabbit) or in case sumbunny has put down a fresh pile ob rocks (buks) that is now 'Fishully Inna Way.
So This Is Why HouzRabbits Value Regularity and Habit, and Why We Get Upset, when Sumbunny Comes Along and Changes Fings Without Axting Us! Our Species Imperative has been Informed by Generations of Evolutionary Success - in udder werds, we've managed to get this far by keeping The Exits Clear Onna Regular Basis. And we are not about to go Screwing It Up now by giving up Habits That Werk.
So, you know, Alla Us Togedder just hate it when our Schedules Get Inner'rupted. Missy can't check for Vines and Rocks. I don't get my Blog Updated. Dusty doesn't get his Ration of Pets. Mouse doesn't get to study Law & Order, and Foxie doesn't get to Help Him. These are Fings that Need To Be Done Onna Reg'lar Basis!
The Vines and Rocks (wires and buks) might come back to trip us up in case we gotta make a mad dash for safety inna dark! (And that's the Whole Logic of it, you know. Inna Burrows, you are guided by the feel of a wall on your side, onna'count obba Fakt there is no light. And when you are running at top speeds with the Whole Rest Obba Warren, you NEED that pathway to be clear so you Don't Trip and Cause a Pile-Up of Struggling Bunnies. An Evacuation - s'speshully when there are Youngbuns and Kits involved - has to go Smoothly! Which is Why Sumbunnies are allus In Charge of Keeping Up Those Patahways around the edges of a room - where there issa wall to guide you - opin and free of Obstacles, lemme tell you!)
Nobunny can bemember a time when we DID NOT DO THIS, and it has become a Rool in Our Species' Unconscious that It Must Be Done!
So when you see a bunny going around a room every day, looking for wires, or when the Companion HouzBunny that lives with you allus snips a wire that you've just replaced, now You Know Why: It is Our Speices' Unconscious At Werk For Us.
Which is also Why We Love Habits. You do sumfing Everyday and it's allus done. You can Depend on Done. And When You are Used to Being Prey, you NEED to depend on Sumfing. That is how You Stay Alive. And it is how You Make Sure that Udders Stay Safe. Make A Plan, Practice the Plan, then you Don't Have Panic onna'count obba Fakt that You Have The Plan.
See how that werks?
Yeah. Well, Fings keep Going on Heer at Our Warren that Get Inna Way of Maman's plans, that mess up Our Plans and Inner'Rupt Our Schedule.
And then Udder Species Around Heer wonder why we're not Hext'actly Inna Best Mood.
Phil arrived at Eight O'clock Inna Morning, just as Maman was standing beside the Salad Bank, pouring her Second Cuppa Coffee. The Standing Clock inna Living Room had just got finished chiming Eight Times and she had just come down frum Uppystairs when the doorbell rang.
Which Set Offa Dawg.
Now, Da Dawg came wiffa Built-in Who-Is-Atta-Door IdentifyKayshun and Alarm System and wunna his Main Jobs as a Border Collie, besides Guarding (both The Houz - which means Us - and Maman - which is a whole 'nuther job on it's own) is Door Answering.
Door Anwering is a multiple-skill Job, which means that when the doorbell rings, Da Dawg must perform several fings All At Once: he hasta jump up frum where-ebber he is, and run flat-out to the Frunt Door as fast as he can, while atta same time figging out who is onna udder side obba door, and giving the ApproPriate Identifying Bark to 'lert Maman Who Is Onna Porch, ringing the doorbell. Andditionally, Our Dawg has a Speshul Bark for Each Person Inna Warren, which 'Lerts me, assa Top Bun of Our Warren as to Whut's Going On.
So Da Dawg has Wun Kinda Bark for Dadda, and Wun Kinda Bark for Phil, and Two kinds of Bark for Sista Beffy, depending on if she has Baby Anya with her or not. It's all part of Whut Da Dawg Does assa Service Dawg for Maman who loses her balance easily (speshully if Da Dawg runs her down on his way to the Door, but that's a Whole 'nuther bunny...).
The doorbell rang and Set Offa Dawg and so he charged past Maman, going, like, a coupla'hunnert miles-an-hour, and he's barking, "It'sPhil!It'sPhil!It'sPhil!" and he's bouncing up-and-down, all kinds of happy and waggy - because he's a Border-Collie and he's Doing His Job, and there is nothing happier than a Border-Collie Doing His Job. They live for that stuff.
And Mouse said to me, "You know, if that doorbell hadn't rung Just Then, we were gonna get Baby Organic Carrots."
And I watched Maman totter off through the Dining Room, and I said to Mouse, "Yeah. There goes Our Snack."
And Missy was like, "Whaaaaa!" because my Beautiful BunWife of Gen'rus Pro'porshuns can't bear to see food vanishing over the horizon.
And Mouse said to me, "I bet she fortygeds about Us."
And I said, "Bet you're right." Onna'count obba Fakt he and I both knew that Maman is Easily Distracted.
And not only *that*, but Phil, being her Kidlet and having Grown Up preddy much attached to her, knows how to distract her frum whatever she is doing and get her to Concentrate On Him. He's gotten Very Good at monopolizing her 'Tenshun over the years and is now a Qualified Hext-pert at Corraling and Holding Maman's Wandering 'Tenshun.
So, sure enough, Phil came in and started talking to Maman and she totally fortygot alla'bout Giving Us our Baby Organic Carrots!
So Dusty started to stomp and threw his toys all over his habbytat inna Effort to Bemind Maman of Whut She Was Gonna Do BIFORE she was inner'rupted. But, of course, she was Distracted, listening to Phil, and wasn't paying enny 'Tenshun to Dusty (although you gotta hand it to the Litte Guy, he can make a Lotta Noise when he sets that walnut-sized miniLop mind to it, lemme tell you!).
And Missy sat there inna BunRoom and gave both Maman and Phil "Whaaaa!" Disapproving Bunny Looks, but it wasn't Getting Her Anywhere, onna'count obba Fakt that Phil was keeping Maman Distracted by Still Talking to her inna Dinging Room.
So there was Rilly Nothing *to* do, 'cept to Sit There, so I sat there and tried to be Philosphical 'bout it. Onna'count obba Fakt I knew Maman would come to her senses Eventually. AND, My Schedule was shot ennyways; I felt my The Hay Diaries Blog Entry slipping away like Mist Onna River when Maman started making even *more* coffee and Phil found *His* cup inna cupboard.
So then, Phil came innu the BunRoom while the coffee was going through It's Maker, and he stopped by on his way to get milk frum the Salad Bank to see Dusty. And Phil knew about the "PET-THE-BUNNY" sign that is only visible to Sus'pectable Pet Peeble. And he stopped by to obey the sign to PetTheBunny. Then Foxie was doing her Cute and Phil petted her onna'count obba Fakt that Their Habbytats are closest to the Doorway to the Kitchin, and nobun can resist Foxie.
And Mr Mouse, who was just across the way from Dusty and Foxie was giving Phil the RBB, and looking over his shoulder to make sure Phil Got the Point that he's been given the RBB inna Furst Place.
Now you gotta unner'stand that The RBB is The Royal Bunny Butt - a bunny turning his back on you. It also issa Very, Very Old Lagomorphan insult - because nothing says "You suck." inna burrow, like the sight of sumbunny's rear end clogging up the tunnel and Not Moving. And, of course, part of Giving sumbunny the RBB is looking back over your shoulder to make sure that your butt is properly placed and that the Intended Party has noticed it, and is suitably 'nnoyed by the sight of it.
So Mouse had Very Obviously *turned his back* on Phil and was now giving him a good Display of Tail. Nobunny can give such elaboratly insulting tail as Mr Mouse! He *rilly* can get up-close-and-personal with it! We're talking right-in-your-face RBB!
So Mouse was giving Phil the RBB for Diverting Maman's 'Tenshun and making her Fortyged about handing around our Baby Organic Carrots, and Mouse has got his nice, round little Polish Silver Dwarf butt pressed firmly uppy'gainst the side of his habbytat, which meant that his tail was sorta sticking out through the habbytat. And Mouse was looking back over his shoulder at Phil, and giving him a Rilly Good Glare.
And Phil bent down, so that he and Mr Mouse were both onna Same Level. And just as Mouse went to deliver the Final Insult by sticking his nose up inna air and turning away frum Phil - Phil reached up, and he TWEAKED MOUSE'S TAIL!
And he said, "Bunny Butt!"
Mr Mouse honked, and sprang up innu the air, and he spun around one-hunnert-and-eighty degrees, so that he landed alla-way onna Udder Side of his Habbytat, facing Phil. And he started grunting furiously onna'count obba Fakt that he was Wun Angry Rabbit who had just had His Diggity Destroyed.
And Phil continued to chuckle, and he went innu the Salad Bank and came out with a Big Bag of Baby Organic Carrots. And he opined them up and gave SIX (not four!) to Missy and Me, and even bemembered to say,
"Here ya go TopBunny George and MissyBun." And he didn't call her "Bug-A-Lugs" so that made her happy, and he bemembered that I am the Top Bunny in Our Warren, and that made me happy.
Then he dropped a Baby Organic Carrot innu Dusty's habbytat. Unfortunetly, the Furst Wun landed on Dusty's Head, but there was No Harm Done - that has happined bifore and it only serves to 'Lert Dusty that there Is Going To Be Carrots. For Sum Reason that Maman has Yet To Figure Out, Dusty won't accept treats frum her hand. He can't seem to find them unless they are in his food crock. Even if she puts the carrot *between his bunny-lips* he gets so hextcited finking he's gonna get-a-pet that he just ignores the baby organic carrot. So Maman has concluded that all Treats For Dusty have to go Innu Dusty's Food Crock.
So Phil landed the Second Baby Organic Innu Dusty's Food Crock. And as soon as Dusty heard it go *tink* innu his Food Crock, he stuck his nose in, grabbed the Baby Organic Carrot and dashed off with it. This is onna'count obba Fakt that Dusty issa Member of Little Rainbow Ashy's "Runs With Food" Club.
Then Phil gave Baby Organic Carrots to Foxie and she was very Lady-like about it and didn't even nip him once even though he wasn't Dadda.
So that took him to Mouse, who was hunched in his corner, grunting and bouncing up-and-down like a gimmie-pig on steroids.
And Phil was like, "Hey Mouse. Wanna carrot?"
And Mouse said sumfing in lagomorphin that won't translate well innu Inkwish, but hassa *lot* to do with Phil's general species and ancestry.
And Phil held out a Baby Organic Carrot. And he was like, "Hey come on, buddy. You stick out your tail, you know someone is bound to tweak it."
And Mouse was still grumbling.
And Phil was like, "I got your carrot, Mr Mouse."
So Mouse, who *rilly* isn't a Bad Bunny at heart, hopped across the habbytat and grabbed the carrot outta Phil's hand, and began to run off with it. But Mouse just can't resist having "the last werd" inna argumint, so he hadda add in a coupla'FootFlicks-of-Distain while he was at it...
And Phil knew 'zactly whut FootFlicks meant in Lagomorphin onna'count obba Fakt he's been Flicked Off by Belinda Bunny enough times inna Past to know Whut That Means!
So Phil managed to go, "Poke!" and prodded Mr Mouse right inna Nether Regions on the fly, while he was hopping away with the Baby Organic Carrot!
And Mr Mouse was like, *HONK!*
And Phil laughed at him *again*!
And I was over with Missy, eating my carrots and I was, like, "Whoa."
And Maman came innu the BunRoom and she said to Phil, all suspicious-like, "Are you messing with my bunnies?"
And Phil was like, "Oh no. I just gave everybun carrots." And he held up the bag. Then he looked at Maman, all innocent-like, and he said, "Gotta love that Mouse 'Bunnitude'!"
And Maman looked at Phil and her eyes narrowed and she said, "I don't care Whut You Say. You're messing up my schedule."
And Phil was like, "You are getting just like your rabbits, Ma. Loosen up a little!"
And Maman shook her head, and she was like, "I dunno. Schedules are there for a reason. Wun of These Days you're going to be glad I have schedules for you to mess up."
And Missy looked up with a mouthful of carrot and said to me, "She's right. Wunna These Days sumbunny is gonna wake up toda Fakt dat it's Troo: 'The Bunny Is Allus Right', and they will fank me!"
And I was like, "Fank you for whut?"
And Missy said, "Bein' a HouzRabbit. Clearin' vines and snippin' wires and stuff; insisting that My Way Is Right. Onna'count obba Fakt that it *is*. Rabbits: We're Right anna Werld Issn't."
------------------------------------------------- By George