Now Playing: Open Problem
Sumfing is going on Heer.
Not quite Right, lemme tell you.
Very Early This Morning while it Still Looked Like Dark, Maman waked up and came shuffling outta The Bedroom, wiffa Dawg trailing behind her.
Anna'course Da Dawg wanted to Go Out Onna Morning Patrol. That's his Furst Job on enny day, and you know how Border-Collies are about Their Jobs.
So Maman unlocked the door but she couldn't get the Knob To Turn. Couldn't get her fingers to Go Around It.
So she's standing there In Her Bafrobe and she says to Da Dawg, "Lookit, you just went out Not Long Ago, so I know you're not on 'Full'. So let's just go Uppystairs and Herd Catz. Hozz'at?"
And because you can distract Da Dawg with a Feather, he's like, "Hokay! Catz! Where'da Catz! Catz!" and runs off to the bottoms of the Stairs to wait for her to pour her Big Cuppa Coffee.
So they go Uppystairs and I hear Maman telling Da Dawg to "Sit!" and not to tip her over while she's figgering out how to opin the Door Atta Top Obba Stairs.
So I guess she gets that to happin, and I hear all kinda foot-steps Uppystairs.
And Missy and I are Downnstaits in Our Habbytats.
And Missy is, like, "Whuttaheck is up wiff'at?"
But I don't know, because Maman was only talking toda Dawg and Not To Us.
So I tell Missy, "Hab sum hay and habba nap." because that's the Advice of me,Hunny *Senior Bun* of Our Warren, and it applies to most situations where you don't know Whut Else To Do.
So we do that for A While, and then Dadda wakes up, anna Dawg comes downnastairs to see Whut That's About, and Dadda sends him Out On Patrol inna Back Gardin while Dadda makes Tea.
Well, Dadda hassa look inna Salad Bank. It's not *quite* Eight O'clock Inna Morning, but I sit up and do some Cute, Just-In-Case, you know, making myself available in case there might be any Baby Organic Carrots in the offing.
And Missy climbs up onna High Ground inna Pootie-Box and goes, "Hey! You!"
But Dadda gets distracted, shuts the door of the Salad Bank and says to Mouse, "Bugger. No milk."
And Mr Mouse looks up at him and grunts, "Not my problem, son." and turns his back on him (which is Lagomorphin for "I really don't care what your problems are, I have bigger ones and you're not taking note of them; therefore I am not taking notice of you. See?" Rabbits have a more highly evolved body-language for communicating in burrow-tunnels than hoomins. Nothing says "I don't care" quite so much as clogging up sumbunny's access-route with your bum, and then watching them get upset over your shoulder!).
And then Maman comes back Downnastairs while Dadda goes off to Get Milk.
And Maman tries to Let In Da Dawg onna'count obba Fakt the Wind has begun to slam *rilly* hard innu Our Warren's Memorial Window, and she says she is 'fraid Da Dawg will blow away!
So she's there with Both Hands onna Doorknob, struggling away and nothing is happining. The doorknob isn't turning, no matter which way she puts her hands onnit.
And onna'udder side'obba'door, Da Dawg hears her and starts to Let Her Know that "Yup! I'm Out Heer! Lemme In!" by barking at her.
So Mamn yells, "Shaddup, Marc!" through the door.
Anna Dawg hears her trying with the doorknob again and finks he Should Encourage Her onna'count obba Fakt that's Whut Herding Dawgs Do - they Encourage Their Herd to Do The Right Fing - and he's a He's a Herding Dawg all right, and he finks Maman is part ob his Pack or Herd or whutebber, and besides, she said His Name, which issa Sort Of Occasion (In Dawg Society) for Barking, ennyways, onna'count obba Fakt it is Recognition.
So Da Dawg barks, "Lemme in! Lemme in! Lemme in!"
And Maman shouts back through the door, "Shaddup, Marc! Be quiet! I'm trying to let you in, you dopey Dawg!"
And she's rattling the doorknob even more, but it's Still Not Turning onna'count obba Fakt she can't seem to Get Her Hands around it.
So the Dawg is now still onna Wrong Side Obba Door and he's getting Werried, onna'count obba Fakt that it's dawned on him that The Rest of His Pack (Maman and Us) is on *this* side obba Door and he's on *that* side obba Door. And if there is Wun Fing that will Werry a Dawg, it's Not Being Part Obba Pack.
So, now we're talking Panic and he starts barking Even More Encouragement to Maman: "Hurry up! Lemme in! Lemme in!"
So, finally, Maman gets the doorknob to turn! And she re-adjusts her hands onna doorknob and jerks the Door *rilly* Hard, and it Opins Up, and she stumbles backwards innu Our Habbytat. So she says,
"Sorry George. Hang on, Missy!"
And opins uppa Screen Door (that has glass innit forda Winter).
And there issa Dawg, Outside, onna Steps. And onna'count obba Fakt that he can see and smell the Rest Obba Pack, he's Suddinly All Joyous and Waggy!
And there issa Big Blast of Cold Air that yanks Hard atta door, and it Sweeps on Through to Smack Innu MissyBun hard enough to Drive her Offa High Ground. And Maman yells innu The Wind,
"Come on, Marc! Get inna Houz!"
And guess whut happins?
Da Dawg runs DownnaSteps, all Joyous and Waggy, innu the Back Gardin and stands there in alla Cold and Wind and barks to Maman,
"Gedda Ball! Gedda Ball! Wanna Play! Gedda Ball!"
So there's Maman in her Bloo Bafrobe, hanging half outta the Back Door anna Dawg alla way innu the Back Gardin with the wind Howling All Around Them, flinging Maman's hair ebberywheres, and coming innu Our Habbytat, and blowing hay all through the BunRoom - and there's the Dawg, barking his Fool Head Off, axting Maman to Come Outside and Play With Him!
Like that's gonna happin!
So Maman's hollering atta Dawg, "No, Marc!"
Anna Dawg is being all Hoyous and Waggy: "Getta Ball! Gotta Play!"
And finally Maman yells at him, "Get in heer, you Stoopit Dawg!"
Inna Tone of Voice that Snaps Da Dawg right outta Joyous and Waggy and innu Possibly-Misbehaving-But-Loyal. Which in Border-Collie is Not Good. And Border-Collies hate being Not Good. It is Way Too Close to the Forbidden "bad Dawg" Zone.
So then Da Dawg sorta skulks inside, and slinks past Maman going low and fast, and he stops in front obba cupboard where she keeps the Milk-Bone Dawg Biscuits.
And he looks back over his shoulder at Maman.
And that is Canine Body-language, that is more highly developed than hoomin, too. And Whut Da Dawg was saying was, "Lookit, I know I was a semi-not-so-Good-Dawg, but can I habba cookie, ennyways? Please? I am your Best Forebber Friend and Part Obba Pack."
So I stood up and periscoped, which is Lagomorphin Basic Cute - because if there were gonna be Treats onna go, I was gonna make sure Alla Us Togedder were gonna get sum!
So Maman got inna Salad Bank, and gotta bag of Baby Organic Carrots opin. Then she couldn't get Our Habbytats opin! So, she pushed Baby Organic Carrots through the sides, which was hokay, because it was the Usual Number and I managed to Sit On Wun and Eat The Udder.
Anna Dawg got his Milk-Bone Dawg Biscuits.
But Maman habbin Trubble Opining Fings is gonna be a Problem if This Keeps Up. Body-language or not!
---------------------------------------------------- By George