Now Playing: Cooties
So da wedder in Noo Joisey has been terrible, lemme tell you. Rain, rain rain! Our Warren's wedder-person onna tellybishion who is named Genn "Hurricane" Schwartz (No kiddin'! If you do not beeleeb me, just go to http://www.nbc10.com and see dat he issa reel person! And he knows wedder, lemme tell you!)
So ennyways, dis wedder-person says dat dere is ebben MORE rain comin' which means dat we bunnies cannot go out onna Screen Porch to have our Playtime inna BunPen, which MissyBun says is "No Fair!"
So she was finkin'bout habbin' a Sulk aboud dis but decided not to onna'count obba Fakt dat dere is too much Hay inna habbytat dat needs to be eaten.
So den we hadda concentrate on sharing four Baby Organic Carrots, but Missy doesn't share well, onna'count obba Fakt dat she is a Big Gurly Bun ob Gen'rous P'porshuns. So I hadda rilly concentrate on dis or she would hab had alla Baby Organic Carrots, ebben da wun dat I was currently chewing on!
Dis was wunna those days whin if you wanted an Baby Organic Carrot, you almost hadda sit onna darned fing yourself, or she was gonna hab it out frum unner'neaf'ob you. She is my bunwife and I lub her, but dere are sum fings dat are just mine.
Which brings me toda subjeckt ob cooties.
So, onna'count obba Fakt dat it is raining, we gots Da Dawg coming fru alla time, wooking for Catz.
Now dis is not normally A Problem, onna'count obba Fakt dat Da Dawg is just doing his Job (and Jobs are berry important in Border Collie lives - just so you know.), enforcing Maman's Rool aboud No Catz Allowed Inna Bun Room, which is Fine Wif Us, 'cept forda Fakt dat it is raining, and Nobun has been allowed out for Playtime inna BunPen onna Screen Porch, and we are habbin' to share Baby Organic Carrots, and ebberybun is getting just a Widdle Short-Tempered ober da Whole Issue.
Hang on, I'm getting toda cooties.
And den, don't you know dat Cokie-da-Fat-Cat just hasta come paddlin' innu da Bun Room!
And he's wike, "Hey, Bunnies!"
And Mouse is wike, "Whudda you want?"
And Colie says, "My breakfast. I am oncest again a Fortygotten Cat, OnAlone, Wif NO FOOD."
Anna Dawg, who has come in behinda Cat says, "Wookit Cat, I was just Uppastairs eatin' outta your bowl, and I know dere is kibble innit!"
Anna Cat sighed and sank down onna floor and sed, "Yeah and now it is cobbered in Dawg-cooties, so I am starbing agin."
And suddinly, Beebe-Bunny!! wooks ober da side ob his habbytat and notices datta Dawg is unner'neaf ob him and calls out, "YO! Da Dawg is eatin' Green Bag!"
And Missy and I habba wook, and Beebe is right: dere issa Dawg, snuffling along da floorin his absent-minded way, just sorta casually sucking up Rabbit-Chow dat's fallen outta our crocks!
And Missy is wike, "HEY!"
Becos Missy gets berry possessive where food is concerned. She has dis saying dat she says she lerned frum Dadda dat goes sumfing wike, "Whuts yours is mine and whut's mine's me own." It means, Missy says, dat she Roolz Da Werld, but I don't beeleeb her.
Anna Dawg wooks up, sorta 'pologetic and says, "I'm only eatin' dis stuff cos my tummy has cat-cooties frumma kitty-kibble. Dis Bunny-Chow is as good as grass which I can't go out to eat inna Back Gardin onna'count obba Fakt dat it is raining."
And Mouse wooks ober da side and says, "Yeah, and suppose if dose Bunny-Chow fings hab bunny-cooties. Den whut?" And he starts to waf.
And Missy stomps and hollars, "Bunnies don't hab cooties!"
And Cokie wooks up and says, "Sure dey do. Which is why I don't eat Bunny kibble."
And Missy glares and says, "And we don't eat kibble, you stoopit Cat. We eats Green Bag."
"And I eats Bloo Bag." Says Cokie. "So whut's your point?"
Anna Dawg says, "I eat enny-Bag-dat's-goin'. Dadda says dat dawgs is nat'chural scabbengers and will eat ennyfing."
And Cokie says, "Which is why you are gonna be sik-onna-cawpet. Cos by eating ennyfing is how you gets cooties."
Anna Dawg says, "So? It's not wike cooties is a Social Stigma, wike horkin' uppa hairball in public. Sum fings shuld be done in private!"
And Mouse says, "Which is why Stoopit Dawgs and Cats leeb Cooties all ober da Houz and upset Maman and Dadda. Rabbits onna udder paw, do not hork or ged sik-onna-cawpet, which makes us nat'churlly superior. And it also means dat We do not hab Cooties, but we're not nat'churally prejudiced aboutit or ennyfing. Wike Catz."
Anna Cat says, "Wookit, bunnies hab cooties. Ebberyfing inna werld has cooties ob wun sort or anudder. It's just dat Sum cooties we can cope wif, and udders, we can't. I can't cope wif dawg-cooties on my kibble. Kibble is bad enuf wiffout habbin' dawg-cooties slobbered all'ober it. "
So Mouse, who watches a whole wotta Law & Order onna tellybishion cos Maman lets him, jumps rite on dat argumint wike a reel-live District At'Turney and says,
"So den, only certin kinds ob cooties bother you? You are nat'churally prejudiced inna matter ob cooties?"
And Missy pipes right up and says, "I know I am. I don't wike ennybunnies' cooties 'cept for my own. My own are hokay, and dat's not admitting dat I hab cooties cos HouseBunnies don't hab cooties."
And ob course Da Dawg is wooking puzzled by dis, onna'count obba Fakt dat dis whole argumint has just gone to a whole new level that has passed right ober his hed wike a cloud inna perfektly bloo sky.
Anna Cat frowns a widdle and says to Mouse, "Wookit, BunnyRabbit, I don't eat Green Bag, so I gots no quarrel wif bunny-cooties; I ebben play wif your Hay. So dis means dat I am impartial to most kinds ob cooties, 'cept dawg-cooties on my kibble, which as ebberybunny and kitty knows, are fatal to catz. Which brings me rite back toda Main Problem: I amma Starbing Cat, OnAlone Inna Midst Ob Plenty. Or sumfing wike dat onna'count obba Fakt dat my kibble is currently cubbered in dawg-cooties and un-eatable. Which is why I am heer."
Anna Dawg is beginnin' to whine to himself, "Mamannnnnn." And goes ober to sit byda Door Toda Back Gardin.
And Mouse goes, "Ah HA! So you admit that you are prejudiced agains Dawgs, then! So you are not a believer in the Equality ob Alla Us Togedder!"
Anna Cat wooks at Mouse wike he's lost a few obba crayons outta his box and says, "Whutebber made you fink I ebber did, BunnyRabbit? Habbin't you read my tee-shirt? It says, 'C-A-T' and dis is My Chowder."
And Mouse says, "And mine says 'R-A-B-B-I-T' and dis is Our Warren. And your point is?"
Anna Dawg puts his nose up and jingles da bells dat Maman has hung onna door-knob obba Door Toda Back Garden. Den he starts whining again, a widdle bit louder, "Mamaaaaaannnnnnn!"
Anna Cokie-Cat geds up and starts waving his Fat-Cat plumey tail by Mouse's habbytat, which is not a rilly smart fing to do, not whin Mouse is getting all puffed up innu dis four-pound ball ob energy motyvated by 'nnoyance.
So we habba Dawg jingling da bells dat are 'tached toda doorknob obba Door Toda Back Gardin and whining for Maman, and we habba Cat 'noying an already 'noyed houzrabbit. And it is raining again outside, so Nobunny can go out onna Screen Porch for enny Playtime inna BunPen.
Dere can be no Good Ending to dis story.
The End ob it is dat Dadda commed Downnastairs frumma Office, and discobbered datta Dawg had been Sik-Onna-Bun-Room-Floor, and datta Cokie-Cat had wabbed his tail oncest too many times by Mouse's habbytat, so Mouse had flied up-inna-air, done a one-eighty-kick-flip and sprayed da Cat wif bunny-pee, which had upset da Fat-Cat so much dat Dadda found him half-way between da Kitchin anna Bun Room habbin' a hork...
And I can't tell you da number ob cooties dat were spread alla'round da place, but Dadda hadda axt Maman forda boddle ob cleener and sum kitchin roll.
So now dere are are no more cooties-inna-Bun-Room. Dadda says it's just gonna be Us Buggers forda resta'daday...
-------------------------- by George