Now Playing: Don't Come Around Here No More - Tom Petty
Well, you know, for a number ob nights now, I bin hearing fings outside ob our houz, inna Our Warren Back Gardin.
Yes, I hab.
And because I amma Alarm Bunny in Our Warren, it is my job to sleep wif Wun Ear Opin at nite, and T*H*U*M*P RILLY LOUD if I hear ennyfing dat mite be Threatening Our Warren during da nite-time when we are all sleeping.
Dis is part ob being Top Bun in Our Warren.
Yeah. Me,Hunny, who usta be Top Bun obba Our Warren told me alla'bout dis before he went toda Rainbow Bridge, and I do my best to live up to whut he told me onna'count obba fakt dat he wassa berry wise and 'Tellygint Elder Ob His People, wike Dadda's friend, Kutee, said. Hunny was Thirteen Anna Half Years Old when he left forda Rainbow Bridge. I am Two Years Old - I hab a long way to go before I will ebber be as 'Tellygint as Hunny, lemme tell you!
But I do the bestest that I can.
So there I was, sleeping wif Wun Ear Opin, and I heared sumfing outside inna Back Gardin.
Well, dere is not s'sposed to be ennybunny out dere inna nite-time, when it looks like Dark and ebberybunny in Our Warren is inside forda Nite.
So I did like I was s'sposed to do, and I T*H*U*M*P*E*D.
Anna Dawg came ambling outta Maman's and Dadda's bedroom, paddled downna Hallway, fru da Dining Room anna Kitchin and innu Da Bun Room and axted me:
"Whuttsamatta, George BunnyRabbit?"
And I sed, "I herd sumfing outside, inna Gardin."
So Da Dawg hadda listen atta Back Door fora minit, and he sniffed alla'long da edge obba door and he sed,
"You're right, Bunnyrabbit. Dere is sumfing out dere, but I dunno whut. Lemme go ged Dadda. Dat's my job."
So he wint outta da Bun Room, and preddy soon, here comes Dadda in bare feets.
Anna Dawg stops inna Kitchen doorway, and says, rilly plainly, in Dawg,
"Lookit, I don't wanna go Outside. Dis issn't wike da last time whin MouseBunny peed on me! I'm just telling you dere is sumfing OUT DERE, and not dat I wanna go OUT DERE and habba wook at it, hokay?"
And Da Dawg stared rilly hard atta door, just so Dadda would get da message.
Well, Da Dawg has bright, pale Bloo eyes AND he issa Border Collie, so whin he stares, well, he rilly, rilly s-t-a-r-e-s. Like a pin fixing a bug to a corkboard, dat's how he stares, lemme tell you.
So ennyways, Dadda gets da message dat Da Dawg does not, unner enny circumstances, wanna go Outside.
And I T*H*U*M*P again, just to sort ob make sure dat Dadda doesn't get enny Wrong Ideas started up.
And Dadda says, "Whut's out dere, George?"
And I'm, like, "Howdaheck do I know? I'm da wun stuck in my habbytat, and you're da wun walking around nextest toda door. Turn onna light switch and wook outta window if you wanna know whut's out dere."
And Dadda says, "You know I rilly gotta bemember to change dat Outdoor Light Fixture so I can see whut's going on inna Back Garden."
And he turns around and says, "Good job, George. 'Nite, Bunnies!"
And dat, was dat.
So preddy much da same fing happened da Nextest Nite anna Nite Afta Dat.
And DEN, afta I had herd dis same "fing", whutebber it was, outside inna Back Garden a few nites inna row, and sent Da Dawg in to get Dadda outta bed, AND afta a couple ob nites ob Dadda coming out innu da Bun Room and saying how he hadda bemember to put inna Noo Light Fixture and alla dat, well...
Yestidday morning, Dadda goes Out, Inna da Back Garden and he calls Maman.
"Wook at dis." He says, pointing.
And Maman says, "Whut's dat doing out inna middle obba Gardin?"
And Dadda sed, "Sumfing taked dat empty milk jug outta da Recycle Bin and left it inna middle obba Gardin."
And Maman shouts, "WHUT?"
Which preddy much sounded like Belinda Bunny whin she was getting ready to go Beside Herself, only a lot louder.
And den Dadda sed, "And lookit your Herb Gardin."
And Maman leans outta da Back Door and hassa wook, and she wooks back at Dadda and snaps,
"Iffa Dawg's been digging anudder hole..."
Anna Dawg shouts frum out inna middle obba Back Gardin, wif his Ball in his mouf,
"HEY! IT WASSN' M'BE DIS TIME!"
And he couldn't ebben shout right onna'count obba fakt dat he hadda ball in his mouf because he's allus hoping dat Dadda or Maman is gonna stop whutebber dey're doing and play Toss Da Toy wif him. Ebben whin he's in Trubble, he still finks sumbun is gonna play wif him. Once he's got dat ball in his mouf, he's not letting go obbit until sumbun agrees dey are gonna play wif him. I told you, he's a Border Collie. I didn't say he was Dat Bright.
So Maman goes out innu da Gardin and Dadda brings her da milk jug dat has been taken frumma recycling bin, and dey mention dat it has TEEF HOLES where sumfing has been chewing onnit! And den dey walk downna Garden to where the Fence Stops, and dere issa HOLE INNA FENCE!
Yeah! Da Fence has been bent so dat sumfing can come innu Our Warren's Back Gardin!
And I, George ob Our Warren, had heard it inna nite-time!
Lemme tell you, Maman was preddy Upset.
She called ober da Man Who Lives Nextest Door. His name is Don and he issa Ribberman. Dere is nuffin aboudda Dellyware Ribber in dis area dat he don't know. He knows where alla fish are, and whin dey leeb dis area for anudder area, and he knows alla da annymuls and where dey libs and how dey libs. He sits in his liddle boat and watches and watches, and dere is nuffin he doesn't know aboudda Natchur in dis area.
So Maman and Dadda showed him da empty milk jug, anna hole inna Herb Gardin, anna place where da Fence Was Bent Up To Let Sumfing Innu Our Back Gardin.
And Don da Ribberman wooked at ebberyfing and sed:
"Raccoon. You prob'ly gotta Raccoon."
Well, Maman hadda gennywine fit.
Raccoons gots fleas.
Raccoons gots ticks.
Raccoons gots diseases.
Raccoons fight anna poor, old, clueless Dawg issa Poor, Old Clueless dawg, and he wouldn't habba chance if he cornered a fierce Raccoon wif claws and sharp teefs, and whut if he gets hurt, Poor, Old, Clueless Dawg...
Anna Dawg comes innu da houz, bringing his ball, and he's wike,
"Whut? Whodaheck is she talkin' about, ennyways?"
And I'm wike, "Whuttaheck issa rack-coon?"
And den Da Fat-Cat suddinly shambles in and sits down inna middle obba Bun Room. And he wooks around wif his big round, yellow eyes, and axts,
"So whut's alla da screeming goin' on in heer?"
Anna Dawg drops his ball, he's dat sus'sprised and he axts Cokie, "How did you get out ob your apawtmint?"
And Cokie says, "Dunno. Da door was opin, so I came out. Dere was nobun onna stairs, so I comed down. Den dere was nobun inna Libbin' Room, so I kept on coming and Arribed heer. So tell me why I bothered."
Anna Dawg says, "Dere has bin a Raccoon inna Back Gardin." Den he stops and gibs da Cat a s-t-a-r-e, and growls, "An INTRUDER!"
And Cokie meets Da Collie Stare wiffa Cat-Stare, den shrugs his big shoulders and says,
"And dis effects me, how? 'Cept forda fakt dat George BunnyRabbit heer keeps wakin' me and Beep-da-Udder-Cat up inna middle obba nite. I mean, we're in heer, BunnyRabbit, and whutebber It is, It's out dere so obviously, It doesn't madder. So why can't we all just hab peace and quiet to stay asleep?"
And I say, "Cos whutebber dis Raccoon fing is, it is an Indtruder wike Da Dawg says."
And Cokie fixes me wif his Cat-s-t-a-r-e and says, "So?"
And I say, "Wookit, Cat, we bunnies are Prey Annymuls. Our success assa species depends on staying 'Lert for Preddytors."
"And I," says Da Dawg. "Amma Guard Annymul. My success assa species depends on guarding whutebber Maman and Dadda fink is impawtant, which would be da BunnyRabbits."
And Cokie shakes his hed. "Wookit," he says. "I amma Preddytor, and NoBun T*H*U*M*P*S and wakes da whole houz when I'm walking around."
"Onna'count obba fakt dat we know you." I say.
But Da Dawg isn't known for being tactful, so whut he says to Cokie-da-Fat-Cat is:
"Lookit, Cat, da Rool says "No Catz Inna Bun Room" BUT I saw Belinda Bunny hed-butt you allaway across da Libbin' Room cawpet oncst, and I know you aren't stoopit enough to chance getting your butt whopped twice by anudder bunnyrabbit. So dat's why I let you innu dis Bun Room."
And Cokie sighed.
And den he sed, "I fink a raccoon issa type ob feral cat, only it's not feral onna'count obbit being wild. And since dere is berry widdle wild left for raccoons to lib in, dey sort ob try to lib inna same place as hoomins and dat causes Trubble, just wike it allus does whin Hoomins and Wild Fings hab to share da same space onna planet. Hoomins just don't share good."
And I sed to Cokie, "Well, Maman shares wif us preddy good. We get food, and hay and treats."
And Cokie sed to me, "But wild annymuls don't hab Our Maman. And dey wuld be skert oudda dere minds if dey did find out dey had her. Dey just wanna go on libbin' inna Wild, Just As They Allus Hab Done - only hoomins put in Gardins, and dey put out stuff inna rubbish dat smells wike food. And den da Hoomins complain whinna Wild Fings come and bodder wif dere stuff. You know, oncst, wong, wong ago, we was Wild Fings, too. And den we realised it was Better for us to Lib Inside wif da Hoomins. But dees Wild Fings still wanna be Wild, IF da hoomins will let dem."
So I hadda Fink about dis.
And I began to wonda if mebbe dis Raccoon, or whutebberdaheck it is dat is coming innu Our Warren's Back Gardin at nite, is rilly an INTRUDER at all, or is it rilly just sumbun trying to ged along inna werld fulla hoomins.
I dunno. I still don't like Noises Inna Nite. I can't help it. I'm the Alarm Bunny in Our Warren and Me, Hunny taught me dat I hab to allus sleep wif One Ear Opin and stay onna 'Lert for da Good Obba Warren.
Anna Dawg can't help being whut he is, and waking up Dadda inna middle obba nite if he feels its impawtant, either, you know.
Just like the Raccoon can't help being a Wild Fing outside, digging through the nice, soft soil dat Maman has turned up in order to plant her Herb Gardin, taking da easy way out, wooking for worms and grubs...
---------------- By George