Now Playing: We Innerrupt Dis DikShunAiry...
Topic: Libbin Assa Urban Rabbit
We innerupt dis DikShunAiry to bring you da followin rant...
Well, you know, yesterday aftanoon we was preddy much mindin our own biznezz inna Bun Room - habbin' sum hay an habbin' naps an' all wike reg'lar bunnies - when Maman comes in an says to Dadda,
"I smell pooties."
Well, as we saw it, dat's No Big Deal. Smellin' is whut you're susposed to do wif pooties, which is why we do them - to let udders know where our individual bounderies happin to be located. Leebin' pooties is like printin' your address onna atmospheric noospaper - ebberybun knows where you lib an dat's preddy much dat.
So Dadda comes innu da Bun Room an hassa sniff an he wooks at Maman an says,
An Maman goes to da hallway an brings out Mr Broom.
Well dis is No Big Deal eidder, cos she is allus geddin out Mr Broom an sweepin uppa Bun Room. It's Whut She Does. She sweeps up alla loose hay onna floor bifore da Stoopit Cat, Beep, can pik it up an carry it away to Udder Pawts Obba Houz (which is Whut She Does). An' Maman makes a pile ob un-eaten hay, stray pooties, lost pellets an kicked-out litter an den holds opin da Back Door an sweeps ebberyfing outta door - ushually on-toppa da Collie Dawg who happins to be comin' inna door when she is sweepin' stuff out, but dat's His Pwoblem an not Our Warren's.
So Mr Broom comin' out is No Big Deal.
Den Dadda gets da trash bin an Beebe-Bunny sees it furst an he calls out,
But since he's allus callin' out "YO!" nobunny pays him enny attenshun. Yellin' "YO!" is Whut He Does an' da rest ob us are used to it by now.
An den Mouse says,
An we look up, cos Mouse don't ushally say dat
An dere is Dadda wiffa trash bin.
An he says to Maman, "If we wheel Mouse out innu da middle obba floor, we can pull da bottom out..."
An wike he's sum kinda grocery cart, Dadda gwabs hold ob Mouse's apawtmint an pulls it out frumma wall innu da middle obba floor. An Dadda fiddles aroun' wiffa few clips, and gibs a tug, an da whole bottom ob Mouse's apawtmint pulls out frum unner him!
An dere is Mouse standin onna grate ob his cage, wookin down atta nekkid floor unnerneaf him!
Well, Mouse takes a BIG leap an lands in his pootie-box. At least he has solid ground unner his paws! He laid down dos pooties himself, so he knows dey are safe, but for how long? I mean, we all know dat pooties can pile high, but how long will dey last assa foundayshun fora radder well-built Nedderlands Dwarf Bunny-boy?
So Mouse is inna pootie-box, hangin' on for grim death wif big eyes.
An Maman an Dadda take da bottom ob his apawtmint downna hallway toda bafroom an dere issa sound ob lotsa wadder runnin.
An Missy lifts up her ears an says, "Oh no... hear dat?" an she back up inna hurry innu her pootie-box.
Da sound ob wadder runnin' can do dat to a bunny.
So den Maman an Dadda come back wiffa bottom ob Mouse's apawtmint an afta a wotta buggerin' about (as Hunny wuld say) dey getta bottom shoved back innu pwace.
So Mouse takes a step out ob his pootie-box an heer comes Maman wif Mr Broom!
So Mouse reverses gears an gets his butt back innu da pootie-box while Maman sweeps.
Den dat's done an Dadda wheels Mouse back innu his place.
An Mouse wooks down atta bottom ob his apawtmint an says,
"Dey taked my pooties!"
Well now. Dis is NOT
cool. Speshully not when Mouse had gone to so much trubble to assemble such a good collectshun obb'em! I mean, dere was, wike, several days worf ob effort in dere and it was just gone, wike dat! Totally gone! Da whole bottom was bwight, shiney an completely cleen again. Just like noo.
An - ged dis - it didn't smell at all. Not one bit. Not ebbin faintly.
An Missy has her butt plugged firmly innu her pooti-box says to me,
"Tell me he issn't comin ober heer."
An I stood up an hadda wook, an shure enuf, heer comes Dadda toward me wif Maman behind him.
An Maman says, "You know, if we put summa dis stuff out onna garden, it will be good forda flowers if I rake it in."
An Dadda says, "Trubble is, dere is too much obbit. We put out alla dis stuff anna neighbours are gonna complain."
An Maman says, "You fink? We culd waid until Dark."
An Dadda says, "Well, I don't fink ebben Dark is gonna hide alla dis, ebben if we dump it all inna pond atta end obba garden."
And dere standin ober Missy an Me an wookin down. So I'm standin up wike I wanna pet, cos wookin cute ushally works to ged Maman to fortyged whutebber stupitidee she's currently workin on.
Bud not dis time.
Cos Dadda takes hold ob our apawtmint an rolls us out inna middle obba floor obba Bun Room an stawts tryin to pull outta bottom ob OUR apawtmint.
Only he can't.
Cos Missy is plugged innu her pootie-box, an I'm standin up down here by my pootie-box, so dere are two big bunnies atta end obba apawtmint, holdin ebberyfing down.
An Dadda says, "Wookit you two buggers..." An he pokes Missy's tail, but she don't moob. So he reaches in an puts his hand unnerneaf ob me an I kinda hop up an bounce down, which gibs me some spring offa da floor obba apawtmint, so I hop again, which gibs Missy a bounce an she comes unplugged frum her pootie-box an goes bouncin down da apawtmint, which gibs da floor some more spring...an preddy soon, we're bouncin UpAnDown cos we can't help ourselbs, onna'count obba floor bouncin wif us wike beans bouncin onna griddle.
An dere's Dadda, tryin to gwab hold obba bottom ob our apawtmint while we're bouncin wike beans an can't help ourselbes.
An rite aboud dat time, da whole bottom comes unstuck frum it's rails an sorta dwops all-at-once.
Well, Dadda catches it as it's goin' down, as Maman tries to gedda'hold obba'udder end, howebber, her shoulder don't werk too good, so ob course, she dwops her end ob fings an dere is hay an most ob our Winter coats all ober.
But Dadda managed to gwab hold obba main pawt which had most obba pooties.
So he said some werds inna speshul language he knows called "Anglo-Saxon" dat we Bunnies aren't susposed to know. Hunny knowed it, bud he sed I was too young to learn it. Da onliest werd I unnerstand innit issa werd, "bugger", which seems to appear quite a lot, so it must be an impawtant werd to be used so much.
So ennyways, I habba wook down an you know whut? All I saw unnerneaf ob my paws was FLOOR
Dat was it! Da onliest fing between Missy an me fallin twoo foots to our deaths was dis bouncy floor ob our apawtmint. Who knew? I mean, dat all dat stood between us an disaster wassa bouncy sheet ob screen cobbered wif seagrass mats anna plastic slidy bottom!? No wonder Mouse had jumped innu his pootie-box when dey pulled his bottom out frum unner him!
Well, I tried gettin innu da pootie-box, too, but da ones dat we hab only accommie-date half-a-bunny ob my gen'ral size an shape. Missy an me aren't widdle Nedderland Dwarfs. Nope! We're wike large, ekonomy-sized rabbits ob gen'rous proporshuns! So when I got innu da pootie-box, I discobbered dat only da frunt pawt ob George fit - da whole back-end was hanging out. So I turned aroun an fit da back end in, but den da frunt end was hangin' out - so no madder how close togedder I put my feets, it didn't werk - dere was too much George an nod enuf pootie-box.
So I wooked ober at Missy an she was habbin da same trubble as me, only more obbit, cos she issa bigger bunny-gurl den me.
Den Maman an Dadda comed back wif our bottom an Dadda stawts to slide it back in...
An it won't go.
An Dadda says to Maman, "It won't fit."
An Maman wooks unnerneaf an axts, "Howcome?"
An Dadda says fru his teefs, "Cos we hab two lard-butt rabbits warping the whole bottom of the habitat. Look at that! See if you can get Missy up to your end and I'll keep George down here."
So Dadda pokes Missy inna butt an she stawts bouncin again. Well, don'cha know dat when Missy stawts bouncin again, dat bounces me, too. So she's bouncin UpAnDown, headin towards Maman, an here I go, rite along wif her!
An Dadda's yellin, "George! George! Dis Way!"
An I'm yellin bak at him, "Lookit, Stoopit, I'm doin' my best heer..." while I'm bouncin UpAnDown nextest to Missy.
An Missy lets outta wail ob, "I don't wike dis!" an WHAM
she wets go wiffa extry hard *thump* that sends me aboud sebben inches up inna air.
So while I'm airborne, Dadda gibs da bottom a good, hard shove, anna fing slams innu pwace unner'neaf ob us - so dat when I come down, I can see da floor disappearin' anna bottom come back.
So dat was reassurin'.
An' now our apawtmint don't smell ob nuthin ennymore, just wike Mouse's.
Home Sweet Generic Home.
An den it's Clover an Beeb's turn.
Well, Beeb issa slob an Clover issa Ms Marfa Stewart obba Bunny Werld. Only Clover is honest and don't do enny Insider Trading an she's notta Fashunnazi or ennyfing wike dat. Hokay, so she's not Marfa Stewart, but she issa berry clean an organised bunny. In fact, Maman has nebber seed a bunny who keeps a houz wike Clover does.
Clover carries alla uneaten hay toda frunt obba apawtmint so Maman can sweep it out ebbery mornin. An Clover will push a dirty pooty-box toda frunt obba'pawtimint for Maman to clean, too. An Clover don't wike to hab toys in her wadder crock an will pike dem out if Beeb frows dem in. An Clover is berry, berry neat about allus usin' her litter-box. She nebber hassa akydent, whereas Beebe is just one mobile akydent dat keeps on happinin ober an ober.
So, it's wike Beeb will pootie an pee ebberywheres except inna pootie-box.
He calls dis "freedon frum tyranny" but Clover says it's just laziness an whumps his butt ebbery now an'den.
But he's deboted to her, an keeps her nicely groomed and lubly, so dat's good.
So Maman an Dadda wheeled dem out innu da middle obba floor an pulled dere bottom out frum unner dem.
Well, by dis time, as Clover sed, she had time to see whut eggakly was goin' on, so she wasn't too boddered aboud'it. But she is anudder BIG
bunny gurl an she was parked atta end obba apawtmint, so Dadda poked her inna butt, too, just wike he poked Missy.
An Clover took a big hop anna floor bounced.
Well, Beebe issa WOT
smaller den I am. He's whut you call a Hot-tot, which issa speshul kind ob sort ob Nedderlands Dwarfie-shaped bunny wif black ear-tips an black eye-liner onna primarily white bunny. In udder werds, he don't weigh more den four pounds soakin wet - which is aboud half ob whut Clover weighs. So, ob course, when she bounced down onna floor, he bounced up aboud twice as high. I mean, he rilly got some altytood goin'. Like, if he'd put his ears up, he culdda touched da top ob his apawtmint an Clover can only do dat if she stretches up on her hind-wegs on tippy-toe.
So when Clover gave dat hop, Beebe was off wike a rockit.
An "YO!" was wike aboud half ob whut he yelled onna way up. Da rest don't translate outta Lagomorphin
. Anna good fing, too.
So afta awhile, dere bottom comed back an it had no smell at all
So heer's my rant:
Bunnies go to a wotta trubble markin out dere terrytorry an makin it dere own. So howcome issit dat we are not 'loud to keep fings in our homes da way dat we want dem?
I mean, heer we are inna Noo Bun Room. We gots noo apawtmints, clean bottoms, clean pootie pans, clean crocks, clean wadder - clean ebberyfing - an we hab to stawt ALL OBER AGAIN, geddin fings back to da way we want'em. An whut happins nextest? Maman, Dadda an Mr Broom will be back. It's happined bifore an it will happin again.
How on Earf can you tell dat sumfing is yours if it don't smell wike you? I mean, dis has gotta stop. Clean is a good fing, I realise, but dis is goin' ober da top.
------- by George
Posted by Our Warren
at 11:41 AM EDT