Dawg Houz Roolz
Now Playing: Da Fairy Wog-Dawg, Fat-Cat an Me, George
Topic: Libbin Assa Urban Rabbit
Da Dwag has Roolz.
Does he ebber!
An' we're not tawkin' just a few gen'ral commints on behaviour heer, lemme tell you. We're tawkin' a whole, entire Buk ob Roolz
that he has written all by himself, wiffoud enny help frum ennybunny.
An what's more, he ekpects
dat ebberybunny inna whole houz is gonna lib by his Roolz, too, since we are all part ob his Pack
So he finks.
Alla Us Togedder inna Warren were treated to an all-out demmystrashun aboudda Dawg's Roolz fing wast nite.
Dadda happened to go out toda Lodge
. Now Lodge
issa berry big fing in dis houz, going back for hunnerts ob years inna family. Maman says she is her Father's Daughter an if ennybunny believes Dan Brown's fikshunal stories, they are dumb - an' she can proob it - cos she is whut he issn't, which issa trained 'storian.
Mind you, da Dawg has been trained, too, bud I don't know in whut.
So ennyway, Dadda went to Lodge an Maman stayed home.
Now just as Dadda was leebin, he sed toda Border Collie Dawg, "Be a good Fairy Wog-Dawg an take care ob Maman anna houz. Guard, Marc. Guard."
is Dadda's name forda Border Collie. No one knows why, least ob all da Border Collie who notta deep finker.)
An Dadda left.
Well, da Fairy Wog-Dawg says Dadda is da Alpha Male obba Pack
, an he (Fairy Wog-Dawg) issa Sekondary Male, which makes him in charge whenna Alpha Male is absent, an this is speshully troo if da Alpha Male (which is Dadda) gibs him (which is da Fairy Wog-Dawg) da command, "Guard".
So when Dadda says "Guard" toda Fairy Wog-Dawg, it means datta Dawg is in charge ob ebberyfing.
So he finks.
So Maman was inna Sittin' Room, sittin' wif her buk.
Anna Fairy Wog-Dawn goes in an sits wif her.
An just aboud den, da Fat-Cat waddles downnastairs to see whut's happinin', cos he herd da frunt door slam an da car stawt an nobunny had told him nuffin aboud it.
An just as da Fat-Cat got fru da Libbin Room an innu da Dinin' Room, da Fairy Wog-Dawg gets up frumma Sittin Room an shoots downnahall to stop da Fat-Cat frum goin' enny furder.
Anna Dawg is wike, "Hey, Cat! Stop!"
Anna Fat-Cat is wike, "Hey, Dawg! Pak it in!" an keeps on waddlin', innu da Kitchin to habba wook atta Fairy Wog-Dawg's dinner an wadder bowls.
Anna Dawg is wike, "Hey, Cat! What'cha doin'?"
Anna Cat is wike, "Wookin to see if dere is enny food weft."
Anna Dawg says, "Wook in your own bowl. Dat's da Roolz: ebberybunny has dere own bowl. Now ged outta mine."
Anna Cat wooks atta Dawg an sits down an says, "Who died an weft you in charge?"
"I amma Sekondary Male!" says da Dawg, wike it means sumpfing.
So da Cat geds up, shakes an says, "An I'm da Top Cat. So ged outta da way."
Anna Dawg is wike, "Hey, Cat! I told you to stop!", an runs around to stand between da Fat-Cat an his bowls.
Anna Fat-Cat just shrugs an goes arounna Dawg.
Soda Fairy Wog-Dawg goes arounna Fat-Cat an bumps innu da cabinets unner da sink.
An I'm watchin frumma Bun Room which is just offa Kitchin.
So Maman heers da Fairy Wog-Dawg bump innu da cabinets unner da sink, an she calls out, "Whutsamatta, Marc?"
An Marc (who issa Fairy Wog-Dawg) says, "Stay rite dere, Cat. Dat issa Alpha Female, Maman, calling. I gotta go, but I'm comin' rite back. So don't moob. Does are da Roolz."
Anna Fat-Cat is wike, "Whutebber."
Anna Fairy Wog-Dawg runned fru da Dinin' Room an downnahall to da Sittin' Room where Maman was still sittin wif her buk. An I hear Maman say to da Fairy Wog-Dawg:
"Marc, sit. Stay."
And dere issa *thump* assa Fairy Wog-Dawg sits down inna Sittin' Room. Cos Maman's da Alpha Female inna Wog-Dawg's Pack
an he hasta do whut she tells him.
Soda Fat-Cat waddles acrosst da floor an climbs innu da pootie-box.
An frum da Sittin' Room, I hear da Fairy Wog-Dawg call out, "Hey, Cat! I thought I told you not to moob!"
Anna Fat-Cat don't answer, cos he is busy diggin aroun inna pootie-box, hoikin' fings out dat he finds in dere and flingin' dem on to da floor.
So I lean out an axt him, "Whut'cha doin, Cat?"
Anna Cat says, "Cleanin da pootie box. Cos it seems dat da Stoopit Cat finks she can use dis box an it's MY box. HER box is uppastairs inna udder Bafroom, an dis wun is MINE." Den he grins at me an adds, "It's da Roolz
An I hear da Wog-Dawg yell frumma Sittin' Room, "I said
'Don't moob, Cat!'"
An da Fat-Cat turns his back on me an mumbles, "'Scuse me, but I gotta go."
An I'm wike, "Whatebber, Guy. But I know you been eatin' dat wet food stuff Dadda gabe you, so try to stay downwind ob us, hokay?" Cossa Fat-Cat can rilly stink uppa-place if da Hot-Air-Heater is blowin when he uses his litter-box.
Den alla sudden, I hear toenails, anna Fair Wog-Dawg comes shootin fru da Dinin Room an arounda corner obba Kitchin, hed down, legs crossin, eyes intent.
An alla bigger sudden, he's inna Fat-Cat's face.
"I told you not to moob!"
An da Cat is atta deli-kate pawt obba pootie-box manoovers, an he can't
moob. So he's sittin' dere, in his pootie-box, hunched up, eyes crossed, an paws togedder, an he gasps atta Dawg,
Anna Fairy Wog-Dawg is bouncin up-an-down anna'long-side da Fat-Cat's pootie box, yellin', "I told you not to moob an you moobed! It's against the Roolz obba Pack for you to moob! An' you're goin' pottie inna houz! Not allowed! Against da Roolz! Against da Roolz! You're not houzbroken!"
Anna Fat-Cat is wike, "WILL
you ged outta heer? *geez* Now I know how Dadda feels when he's inna bafroom wif you."
Anna Dawg is bouncin' up-an-down, an he's rilly goin' now, makin' peepin' noises.
"You're not houzbroken! You're doin' IT
inna houz! Whutsamatter wif you? You're 'sposed to go Outside
like a normal dawg!"
Anna Fat-Cat is wike, "I ain't no stoopit Dawg, you dumb Dawg!"
An he leans ober da side obba pootie-box an takes a swipe atta Fairy Wog-Dawg.
But he misses.
Cos he's still inna middle obba deli-kate pawt obba pootie-box manoovers, you see.
An suddenly, Mouse, who is nearer to da Fat-Cat's pootie-box place den I am, turns his back onna Fat-Cat, hunches up an says:
"Phaww. You stink, Cat."
Anna Fat-Cat, who isn't feelin too charmin atta momint, looks up at Mouse an snaps, "You ain't no rose yourself, you widdle hay-chompin' gas-bag."
Anna Fairy Wog-Dawg starts peepin' louder an bouncin' more an more nextest to da Fat-Cat's pootie-box.
"You can't talk toda Rabbits! Not on my watch, Cat!"
Anna Cat glares an gibs one big effort (cos he's all full of annoyed now an preddy much outta da udder stuff) an stawts to paw atta cabinet.
An da Fairy Wog-Dawg just aboud goes nuts.
"NO TOUCHING MY COOKIE-CABINET! God knows where your paws have been!"
An just den, I hear Maman inna Sittin' Room, an she's not best pleased:
"That does it! Do I hafta come out there? Whut's goin' on?"
Anna Dawg is so upset now dat he barks
An heer comes Maman, in her bafrobe, wif her hair all ober an her finger in her buk. An she does not wook happy.
So she wooks atta Fairy Wog-Dawg. He wags his tail.
She wooks atta Fat-Cat in his pootie-box. He stops pawin' da cabinet an wooks back at her.
An she wooks innu da Bun Room, an dere is Mouse gibbin da Cat da Royal Bunny Butt, an me hanging half-way outta my apawtmint wif my ears all forwards.
An Maman says, "Allrite, whut's goin' on out heer?"
So da Fairy Wog-Dawg starts bouncin again.
"Da Fat-Cat is breakin' alla Roolz! He moobed when I told him to sit still, an I'm the sub-alpha Male Dadda left on-Guard by Dadda! Den he didn't axt to go outside wike a good dawg, an hadda "accident" in dat box dere! An den he took a swipe at me as I am doin' my job ob Guardin! An he tawked toda Rabbits, insulted dem! Den he pawed at MY
Cookie Cabinet, wike it was his! An he stinked uppa Bunny Room! All ob it, against alla Roolz!"
Anna Fairy Wog-Dawg sat down on Maman's left side, an lifted his hed an tried to wook all noble.
But Maman wooked puzzled. "Does Mommy's good boy hafta go outside?"
Anna Dawg wooks up at her an says, "Whut?"
An Maman pats him onna hed an says, "Does a good puppy hafta go outside?"
An dere's dis silence dat settles ober da kitchen - like the kind of silence dat follows when alla lights go out, just bifore alla scweaming stawts.
So, I look ober at Mouse an see dat his shoulders are shakin. An den I wook atta Fat-Cat, an he's got these wide, innycent eyes on, but you can tell, he's laffin' onna inside wiffoud lettin it show too much onna outside.
Anna Fairy Wog-Dawg sorta whimpers an sinks down innu a puddle ob fur onna floor nextest to Maman.
An Maman walks past Cokie-da-Fat-Cat in his pootie-box, slides opin da Gate to da Bun Room an opins uppa Back Door. Den she calls da Fairy Wog-Dawg again:
"Come on, Good Boy, let's go outside!"
Anna Fiary Wog-Dawg, who can't refuse an Order frumma Alpha Female, no madder how stoopit it is, slinks past her an stands onna Back Steps and stands wookin' back ober his shoulder at her.
An frumma doorway, Maman says, "Go on, Markie, Mamma will wait right here for you."
Anna Fairy Wog-Dawg gibs a big sigh an trots down offa steps innu da Back Garden.
Den Maman gibs us each wunna da Gwapes dat she has inna Big White Box, an gibs da Fat-Cat wunna does Cat-treat-fings cos he's wookin all hopeful. Den she wets da Fairy Wog-Dawg back innu da houz an gibs him a cookie frum his cabinet behind da Cat's litter-box.
Anna Fat-Cat waddles off on his way fru da Dinin Room, an downnahall innu da Sittin Room where Maman has gone. Den da Dawg goes afta him, an I heer Maman again:
"No, Cokie. Cokie, ged offa buk. Cokie, down. Geddown. Get offa me, you fat lummox! No Marc, no. Leave the cat alone. Marc...Stoppit! Cokie - NO! Keep those paws to yourself! Marc, leave the cat a...Cokie, don't you dare bat at the dog...stoppit, you two...stoppit..."
An I'm finkin' how great it is to be a Rabbit...
-------- By George
Posted by Our Warren
at 9:28 AM EST