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Friday, 24 September 2004
Missy Impawts Wizdom
Mood:  cool
Now Playing: S*L*O*B: It's the Litterbox, Stoopit.
Topic: Libbin Assa Urban Rabbit
Good mawnin, Houzbunnies! It's Missy-Bun, back wiffa'nudder installmint ob adbice on Libbin Assa Urban Rabbit.

Wunna da gud fings aboud libbin wif George issat he issa youngbun. Now I'm finally geddin to see whut it was like for Belinda when I arribed heer at Our Warren assa youngbun an she hadda take time oudda her bizzy schedule assa Top Bunny to teach me to become 'Tellygint.

Atta time, I didn't realise whutta big task dat was, but I'm seein it now, lemme tell you!

Bud Belinda had it easy, and dis is cos I amma GURL. Howebber, George issa BOY. An nod onwy dat, he issa S*L*O*B.

S*L*O*B stand for
Stoopit
Loud
Oderous
Boy

Now dis is whut I hab obserbed:

Young males ob whutebber species are a mess. Eidder dat, or dey are a mess just waitin for a pwace to okur.

I will cite three hextamples:
Hextample Number Wun: Cat
Name: Cokie-da-Fat-Cat

Cokie issa walkin, talkin mess. Until Maman taked him toda Cat Spa, he was also a stinkin mess, but luck'ly, dey gibbed himma baf. Cuttin off most ob his fur was also a big improobmint, cos at weast he don come in heer ennymore an drag out halffa hay bale stuck to his tail. We're tawkin walkin dustball. An hoomins call whut dey find unnerneaf obba beds "dustBUNNIES"? Who are dey kiddin? Dis issa rovin' dustCAT dat picks up fuzz bedder den most Swiffermops. An alla time, I heer Dadda compwain aboud how fulla cat-litter-box is geddin, an dat is cossa Cokie. Dadda says dat NUFFIN "can convert food innu crap wike dat cat", which is no s'prise to me, cos I knowed alla'long dat catz are fulla crap inna furst pwace.

An nod onwy dat, but dis cat is stoopit. Whut udder creetchur wuld get up onna bed ebbery nite, pry opin Dadda's eyelid wiffa claw just so he kin get airborn? Cos I'm tellin you, dis is whut happins. I heer da bed creek, den I heer da cat purrr, den I heer Dadda say some rilly bad werds an den I heer dis *FUMP* - an dat's Cokie, flyin fru da air an hittin da floor. Now you'd fink datta cat wuld wearn sumfing heer, wouldn'cha? But ebbery nite, dis happins. An den I heer Maman say, "Whut'ssamatter, Darwing?" to Dadda, an Dadda says, "(bad-werd)-Cat's got 'is (bad-werd)-great paw in me eye again, now doesn't 'e?" An dat's how I know datta Cokie-cat don wearn an is derefore, stoopit.

Now dere is also a mean widdle female cat heer an her name is KayCee. I can't stand her. Mind you, I can't stand enny catz, but dis widdle bundul ob spite just aboud takes da carrotcake. She's sneeky, mean, an she's nutz. But she's cleen. She duzzin't gadder fuzz, she duzzin't carry away da hay. She duzzin't smell (much). She spends a wotta time makin shure her coat wooks nice. She's a GURL. An dat'ssa onwy good fing aboud her.

Hextample Number Two: Hoomin
Name: Phil anna Rent-A-Teens

Hokay, we're talkin big-time, werld-cwass S*L*O*Bs heer. Inna way, dey are a wot wike Cokie, onwy wiffoud alla dust. An dey do tend not to smell as bad unwess dey hab bin out inna garden or inna cars doin sumfing dey call "werkin". Den dey can rilly smell, right on up to stink. An sumtimes, when dey are goin sumwheres, dey put on special stinks dat you just can't imagine ennybun wuld wanna smell wike. Sumtimes dere's a combinashun ob stinks, wike wun dat comes frum dere faces, wun frum dere hair, anna nudder wun frum unner dere arms (which is rilly weird).

Dey also leeb whut Maman calls "debris" all ober, an dis mostwy hasta do wif food. Sumtimes dey will share dis food. Dey drink outta cans which dey leeb onna floor or onna tabul or onna winnosill. Sumtimes dees can hab stinks, too. Smells wike sugar an fake froot, mostwy oranges an wimes. Maman is allus yellin at'tem to "cwean up dis pwace" an den dey gets big bags an make a wotta noise wif DEE-BEE-DEEs. Dey habba wotta noisy "VIDEO" games dat Mouse wikes to watch dat skare me cos dey also make a wotta noise. An dey hab big feets dat CLOMP up an downnastairs. Dey are also allus ringing cos dey hab dees "phones" 'tached to dere hands.

So boyz are berry LOUD. Just when I'm lyin down fora nap, Phil goes byda Bun Room, sticks his hed inna door an yells out, "OOO-RAH, bunnies, OOO-RAH!" Skeers me half to def, cos I'm nod 'spectin it. He lernt dis inna pwace called "Da Naby" where I fink dere are a wotta messy, woud boyz who pwobabwy also stink.

Now Maman, an Sistah Beffy are GURLS an dey are hoomins, too, an dey aren't half as noisey, or stinky. In fact, a wotta times, you don ebben know Maman's aroun, cos she spends a wotta time doin whut she calls "reedin" or "werkin onna buk" an dat kinda werk don make her smell wike a train-wrek. Onwy when she's goin out wif Dadda - den she gots funny flower smells, but nuffin dat's gonna make your hair frizzle.

Hextample Number Three: Rabbit
Name: George

George can't finda litterbox wiffa map an bof paws. I don't know whut'ssamatta wif dis kid. I mean, dere issa BIG, RED litterbox heer inna habbytat. You culd get fibe bunnies innit, no pwoblem, all sittin nice, back to back an nobunny wuld be outta room, if you know whut I mean. No tail-touch, which is impawtant.

But will George use it? No.

So Maman gibbed him his own litterbox, a nice speshul square wun wiffa cut-down frunt. She put it in his habbytat, just inna right spot (scientifikly determined).

He 'norred it.

So she put hay innit to make it more innerestin.

He used it assa diner an pootied in frunt obbit.

So George commed ober heer to lib wif me, and dat was hokay, until he decided dat he was gonna use da hay dat I was sabin for brekfast for his personal potty.

Well I stopped dat right off wiffa good clip 'roundda ear.

Den he decided dat he was gonna habba pootie-war wif Beebe.

An Clover an I stopped DAT right away, too, wif simotaneous clips 'roundda ears to bof George an Beebe.

As Belinda sed, can't be habbin wiffat.

So George goes paddlin on big feets, an compwains to Maman dat he don gotta pootiebox. An heer's dis BIG, RED pottiebox, wif room enuf innit for fibe rabbits, sittin heer inna habbytat, warger den life, dat he's 'norrin. So Maman moobs his nice, speshul widdle square pootiebox wiffa cut-down-frunt-for-easy-akcess innu da habbytat for him.

An he pooties onna floor BETWEEN da two pootieboxes!

An all onna'count obba fact dat he issa S*L*O*B.

I rest my case.

Posted by Our Warren at 11:41 AM EDT
Updated: Friday, 24 September 2004 11:49 AM EDT
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