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Wednesday, 12 May 2004
Day Fifteen / 4th Strand
I wanna extend da most sincere BEST WISHES frum alla us togedder at Our Warren to our bestest friend, DON SA an his wady, SPOOKY, onna okashun ob dere BONDIN! We're wishin dem a wong an hoppy wife togedder down dere in Birginya. HOORAY for SA an SPOOKY!!!! Cilantro marguritas alla 'round!!

An dat's da happy noos dis mawnin.

Udder happy noos is dat we gots our air considhywasher back. Good fing, cos it's gonna be hot again tidday.

Of course, it wassa nudder interestin time inna Bun Room.

Furst, Maman went toda Guy Store. Dis is called "Home Depot" an it is neer heer. She went alone, which she hardly ebber does cos she says datta store confoozles her. It's nodda store dat confoozles her, its dat she confoozles ebbery person inna store cos she has no cloo whut she's doin, an she hassa hard time communykatin whut she's twyin to do to udder peebles. Dis is cos da inside ob Maman's hed issa "obscure pwace" an onwy Dadda can see inside. If dere wassa map ob Maman's hed, it wuld say "Terra Incognita" onit an Dadda wuld hab his name in Nahunal Geografik assa hextplorer.

Ennyways, Maman gets toda Home Depot pwace, an rite off, she's in trubble. She sed datta car-park was fulla pick-'em-up-trucks. Dis issa bad sign, she sed, cos it means dat da store is gonna be full ob peebles dat know whut dey want, an she hassa onwy "fambly isshoo" car obba rank ammychur. Bud Maman is brabe - so she went in ennyway an parked da Buick inna middle ob alla pick-'em-up-trucks. She sed da Buick wooked "short".

So she went inside an finds da 'Lektrick Sekshun an stawts wookin for wall sokits to replace da wun Mouse had peed on. An don'cha know, she sed, dere wasn't jus WUN sokit, dere was wike a hunnert, all wined up. Dere was "kommershural" ones, an "rezzydenshul" ones, an "all-purpose" ones, an "lite" ones an "hebby-dooty" ones an ones for "in-dust-re-al uses" an udder uses dat she don ebben rekonize. An all she knows issat she hasta ged wun wif free holes innit. Well, most obbem on display has free holes.

So sum guy sees her standin dere dyin ob indecision, an axts her "Whut amperage you want?" inna friendly fashun.

An she looks attem an bwinks an she's wike, "I'm sorry?" (Maman appolygyzes for ebberyfing.)

Anna guy smiles an says again, "Whut amerage you want?"

So Maman, being Maman sed, "It's fora Bun Room."

Well, dat perplexes da guy rite dere, cos now he's got no cloo what she's tawkin aboud. So he says he's sorry. So she says dat Mouse peed onna sokit an she hasta repwace it.

So now da guy is geddin a flicker - Maman sed you culd see it in his face, dat atta werd "peed" an "repwace" sumfing was stawtin to click in his hed. An you can say datta guy culd unnerstan datta mouse culd pee onna wight sokit - dat he's geddin da basik outwines obba story here, ebben doh it'ssa wrong story.

So he wooks atta sokits an says, "Well, it can't hurt to habba higher amps. Issa mouse comin back?"

He prob'wy woulda bin hokay if he'd not axted nuffin aboudda mouse, bud he did, an Maman says bwightly,

"Oh Mouse lives there. He's a rabbit."

So she fanks da guy berry much an moobs on toda display obba hextenshun cords, leebin da guy standin dere sorta watchin her leeb wif his hed onna side.

You see, Maman has dis disconnected kind ob intellygence - disconnected frum most peebles reality. She tawks usin real werds in proper sentances, it's just dat her werds leeb udder peebles repeatin da sentances wookin forda hidden meanings.

So a store guy wanders past an she axts him which hextenshun cord will werk wiffa air condishywasher. An da store guy axts her, "How menny BTU's?" an Maman don't know, so she says, "We hadda hextenshun cord bifore, bud Mouse hadda akkydent an now it won't werk."

Anna guy sed, "Oh, well, if you have mice, you needa traps inna exterminating sekshun in isle twenty-free."

An Maman wooks horryfied an says, "Good God, no! Mouse issa Bunny."

Anna store guy wooks confoozled an says, "I fought you sed you hadda mouse."

An Maman says, "I do. He'sa rabbit."

An dere issa momint ob siwence while dey each twy to werk oud whut da udder wun is tawkin aboud.

An Maman says (twyin to be helpful), "Itsa small air condishywasher."

Anna store guy rallies an wooks atta display ob hextenshun cords an axts her (prob'ly bifore finkin dis fru,) "How long do you needit?"

An Maman finks an says, "Da Bun Room is twelbe-by-four'teen."

Which tells him precisely nuffin. But Maman is precise wif her nuffin. Axt her a qwestshun an she'll gib you exact informashun aboud sumfing else. Dis is cos she is imaginin da room in her hed, an seein da winder, an measurin frumma winder toda sokit an knowin da dimenshuns obba room. Den makin da quantum leep in assumin dat da person tawkin to her is seein in dere hed da same fing dat she is seein, she gibs dem infortymashun dey can't use.

Bud she don't realize dis.

Now Dadda knows dis aboud her an he kin keep up wif her, if nod getta jump ahead ob her (which is why most ob dere conbersashuns sound disjointed.). Most peebles can't which is why he married her an udder men didn't.

Anna Home Depot Store Guy was wost. An he knew it. So he gwabs a hextenshun cord an shobes it innu her hands an says, "I fink dis is whut you want, Ma'am."

An she says, "I need two, please."

An he says, "You shouldn't string two ob'em togedder, Ma'am. Fire hazard."

An she says, "Two air condishywashers."

So da guy gibs up, cos he's nod inside ob her hed an seein da air condishywasher dat's in her an Dadda's bedroom along wiffa air condishywasher dat's inna Bun Room da she's seein.

So now she has two wight sokits an two hextenshun cords an she heds toda chek-oud an manages to ged fru dat wiffoud messin wif ennywun's mind. An she finds da Buick nested in wiffa pick-'em-up-trucks an heds home.

I'll tell you boud how ebberyfing geds installed tomorry. Wike ebberyfing else, it wassa nudder 'benchur.

Posted by Our Warren at 8:45 AM EDT
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