Now Playing: Why Can You Eat Your Own &$^%#ed Food?
Topic: The Next Generation
Tiday Maman and I looked atta website:
I approve ob dis website. It totally illy-strates my feelings concerning sumfing dat is currently going on around heer dat involves dat all-imporatnt madder: FOOD.
You know whut's happinin?
Lemme tell you.
It all started wiffa Catz. Most fings do.
We hab two Catz: Cokie-da-Fat-Cat and Beep-da-Cloo-Less (her name says it all). Dey mainly hab decided dat dey wanna lib uppystairs inna Study where dey hab dere Own Sofa, dere Own Winders, and dere Own Bed inna Guest Room. Dey also hab dere Own Bafroom wiffa Shower, but Cokie goes toda Groomers wiffa Dawg, so dey don't bother wiffa shower. Much.
So, to keep downna complaints (and Cokie has plenty obb'em), Dadda has taken da 'Lektrik De-Lux Pootie Box and Containmint Unit up dere for dem, and ebbery nite, he makes Da Trek uppystairs frumma Kitchin wiffa cans ob Catz Food for dem. And ebbery free weeks, Dadda lugs a twenty-five pound bag ob Kitty Kibble uppastairs toda Study for dem, too.
So you'd fink dey wuld feel preddy es'peshul, lemme tell you.
But, being catz, dey don't. Cos catz don't wike ennyfing. It's just part ob dere natchur not to wike ennyfing, becos whutebber you do fora cat, it is just nebber, ebber quite, 'zactly whutta cat wanted you to do inna furst pwace.
Now Dawgs, onna udder paw, are preddy easy. Dey wike ebberyfing. 'Speshully Border Collies. 'Speshully food. And Border Collies don't just wike whutcha do for dem, dey lub it and want'chu to keep on doing it ober and ober and ober.
And dis applies 'speshully to food in bowls.
If you fill one bowl up, and you gotta keep on doing it - ober and ober and ober. And dey don't rilly care all dat much if it's Dere Own Food Bowl or Sumbunny Else's Food Bowl - Border Collies just LUBS a full bowl ob food.
And bunnies wike treats. We wike most treats, but each ob us has our favourites. Mouse is 'speshully fond ob cereal treats dat Maman gibs him whin he's watching "Law & Order". He likes Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal da best and doesn't wike it whin Maman goes fru da Kitchin and doesn't gib him enny. So he waits by da side ob his habbytat and stands up wif his nose inna air whin he hears her coming, and if he doesn't get enny treats, well, Mouse does a berry, berry GOOD disapproving wook, as you can see:
So Mouse wasn't gedding alla treats dat he wanted, anna catz were habbing a full bowl ob kibble, 'cept forda fakt datta Dawg was coming uppastairs and emptying it for dem. Several times a day.
And dere wassa wotta disapproval going on around Our Warren.
Anna catz didn't wike datta Dawg was eating dere kibble. So dey complained to Dadda.
So Dadda shutted da uppystairs door toda Study, which meant datta Catz was uppystairs wif him while he was Werkin, anna Dawg was downnastairs habbing Seperation Anxiety wif us.
So Mouse began to *thump*, to tell Maman dat sumfing was wrong wiffa Dawg.
Atta same time, da sound obba Dawg peeping and habbing his Anxiety Attack stawted up Beep-da-Stoopid-Cat who was uppastairs inna Study to begin habbing Issues about Her Dawg being shut downnastairs, so she stawted nagging at Dadda who was trying to Werk.
Well, dis didn't go down so good wif Dadda, so he told Beep to "Piss off".
Now you gotta unnerstan dat we all speak "British" as well as "'Murrican" Inkwish heer, and dis is onna'count ob becos Dadda comes frum someplace called "Summerset" in Inkwand. So "piss off" is sort ob wike Maman saying, "Hokay, go away." It is not as serious as, "Wookit, you're gedding on my last nerb, now GED OUT!" which in Dadda-speak wuld be anudder set ob two werds (wun ob which I am not alloud to type). So Beep just got told to mildly go away and stop annoying Dadda.
But, being a Cat, she taked it da wrong way and wint and peed onna floor beside da De-Lux Litter-Box and Containmint Unit, where Dadda discobbered it when he walked innit in bare feets on his way toda bafroom...
Meanwhile, da Dawg was downnastairs habbing anna'tack ob Seperatshun Anxiety ober da door being closed toda Study so he wuldn't eat alla food outta da Catz kibble bowl. And he's walking back and forf, and making peeping sounds, dat upsetted us becos we were trying to sleep.
And Beebe calls innu da Kitchin, "Yo! Dawg! Shaddup!"
Anna Dawg comes toda door obba Bun Room and says, "Wookit, I'm hungry. And I'm being Exklooded!"
And I'm wike, "Whutdaheck is 'Exklooded'?"
Anna Dawg says, "It's being shunned, thrown outta da Pack! It's the worst thing that could happen to a dawg! It's being OnAlone! I'll starve!"
And Missy wooks atta Dawg, shakes her hed and says, "Wookit, Dawg, you are not OnAlone. You're heer, wif us, inna Warren. Maman's just uppastairs inna Study, too, so it's not wike you're frown outta house or ennyfing. And as for starving, dere is dat kibble stuff in your dinner bowl. What are you, nuts?"
Anna Dawg whined at her, "Does dis mean you're gonna wet me be a bunny?"
And Missy, who can wook berry disapproving and also hassa rilly good sense ob sarcasm, wooked at him again and sed, "Yeah, you can be a bunny. A great, big, rilly stoopit black and white bunny wiffa stoopit plume obba tail. So you go hab sum hay anna lie-down and you'll be fine."
Anna Dawg who can be not bright but highly enthusiastic starts wagging his tail back and forf, and bifore you know it, he's snuffling along da Bun Room floor, snorting up pellets, pooties and bits ob hay.
And Clover, who libs wif Beebe wooks ober at Missy and says, "You know dat idiot is gonna get sik."
And Missy sorta shrugs and settles down innu loaf position and says, "Yeah, but if he's stoopit enuf to eat pellets, den he deserbs it." And she calls down toda Dawg, "Dat's rite, bunnies allus share! Alla Us Togedder, Nobunny OnAlone!"
And Clover shaked her ears and sed, "Missy, dat's not rite. But it's funny."
Anna two gurls watched da Dawg snuffling up pellets, pooties, strands ob hay anna lotta dust dat he found unnerneaf ob Mouse.
And den downnastairs comes Dadda, wif Cokie-da-Fat-Cat trailing behind. And Dadda says toda Dawg, "You wanna go Outside?" and adds, "Chase'a squirrels?" Which is wike axting iffa bunny wants to habba raisin.
Da ansur is allus "yes."
So out goes da Dawg, anna Fat Cat sidles up to da Dawg's food bowl, looks inside and says softly, "Oooo! Lunch!"
And starts eating Dawg kibble.
So Maman comes downnastairs and she says to Dadda, "Wook at dat. Da Cat is eating da Dawg's kibble."
And Dadda says, "Da Dawg ate da Cat Kibble."
So Maman wooked outta winder innu da Back Gardin and says to Dadda, "Da Dawg is being sik."
And Dadda joins her atta winder and wooks, and says, "He's prob'ly been eating bunny pellets."
And Maman wooks at us and axts Missy, "And whut hab YOU been eating?"
And Missy stares back at her, all disapproving, wike, "Whut?"
And Dadda wooks at Missy and den atta rest ob Our Warren, and sighs, and he picks uppa Fat-Cat and says, "Whydaheck can't you eat your own damn food?"
And Cokie-da-Fat-Cat sed...
----- By George